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February 4th, 2007

Seek, and Ye Shan't Find

There's an internet traffic report that I get for the site that tells me all sorts of things that are fun (and probably useful) to know for people who maintain websites. Things like which pages are requested most often, which other pages link to the site, and one of my favorite things of all - what people typed into a search engine that made this page come up as a match.

As you can probably imagine, a lot of those matches are way off base. I get a lot of them from people looking for authentic magic (or magick) rituals, because of my Spellcasting 101 article, and a lot of bizarre results because of my interview with Andrew Koenig, who used to play 'Boner' on the old 80s sitcom Growing Pains. (I also get a lot of people leeching some of my bandwidth by lifting his image directly from my site for some reason, so I have to switch the filename around every so often.)

I was sorting through some of them recently, and figured it might be good for a laugh if I shared a few.


I get this one because of Jon Bush, a Virginia man who claimed to be the leader of a clan of real vampires back in the mid-90s. But I can't help but wonder if someone was inquiring about the possibility of our current president being a member of the undead. I've seen him out in daylight, however, so I don't think it's likely. (Now CHENEY, on the other hand...)

Thanks to Jon Bush and his penchant for young girls, I also get tons of nauseating searches that I won't reprint here. Hopefully, those searching for such things that find my site get a little taste of what can happen to them if they don't put their minds towards something more constructive. But I'm probably being too optimistic.


It's because you're not feeding them enough, that's why.


It means someone isn't feeding their parakeet enough, that's what.


Look, just FEED THE PARAKEET, will you?


More and more, I find myself asking the same question...


Well, as I've heard some people say before - friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.


You know, whenever my kids say this, I always seem to end up with some kind of injury.


Question one - Do you experience brief pain whenever someone misspells "Wisconsin"?


...especially learning about noun-verb agreement!


Oooh! Great name for a band!


I'm guessing a sunroof isn't an available option.


I just love this phrase. It makes me want to go downtown and stand on a streetcorner, shouting it at passersby.


I think you can find that one in the legendary Nappynomicon, the forbidden book of spells with a cover made out of an ancient, used diaper. (English, 1d6/2d6 SAN, +15 GootchieGooLu Mythos, Spell multiplier x2)


One of these things applies to the NYT - can you guess which one?

hot+vampire+girls+for+sex on Jerry Springer!


Oooh! I know this! It was the one with a symbol that looked like a swastika on it, but...


...well, no, nothing at all like that. It didn't have anything to do with the Nazis, it was really a...


...ah, yeah. That's it exactly. Thanks.


Easy on the accusations, there. I might get over-caffienated from time to time, but that's the extent of it.


Personally, I name all of mine after characters from The Big Lebowski. That's how I can justify having one named Jesus.


Hey... I'm going to want one of those in about four or five years from now...


...starring Bela Lugosi, Annette Funicello, and Frankie Avalon!


Do you really need to do a search to figure out the effects of stabbing? Here's a short synopsis for you - BLEEDING and SCREAMING! Okay?


Well, for starters, I heard at least one of 'em is a vampire...


Surf for this long enough, and before long, you'll be looking for...


Man, THAT has got to be a hoppin' place, eh?


Can't help you there, but I can help you learn how to say "Oh my God! There's an axe in my head!" in over 100 different languages.


I get these all of the time. I feel really bad for this guy - all he wants is to be able to wiggle his ears, and he never seems to find the answer he's looking for. If I ever find some tips on ear-wiggling, I'm going to post them right on the main page, just to help him out.


ALL RIGHT! That's enough! Stop RIGHT there!


Someone's trying to reverse a curse, it seems! (Oh, wait... that was one of the searches I was doing...)


I wouldn't mind knowing this one myself. But, I get the impression that if you stood in your front lawn trying to cast spells long enough, your neighbors would move anyway, whether the spells were successful or not.


Looks like some poor sap is trying to fall OUT of love, now...


I don't have a joke here, I just love how they had to type "hot" twice, 'cause one "hot" just wasn't enough.

...and possibly the strangest search string that brought up my site:


It's got me scratching my head over how this made my site pop up in a search... but at least I'm not the only one!

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